I got married late in the game of life and I’m here to tell you why I do agree the first year of marriage, at any age, is the hardest. Most people say, “it’s just like before”. But I completely disagree and here’s why.
1. Folding clothes seems to be something that is not a universal method. And maybe this is because I used to work in a boujie clothing store that I had to have my shirts folded with the sleeves tucked to the middle and the bottom comes folded up so the end result is a perfect square. And towels! How have people got away with folding towels in half? Everyone knows they are folded in thirds!
2. Finances are a hot mess. While we talked about bills and how we wanted to pay things, it didn’t happen as easily as that. We do not have a joint checking account. And maybe that’s a fail on our end. I also think that you should be able to spend your money how you want without the other person criticizing your choices. So that is probably why I do not have a joint account. I also am very particular about what is going in and out of my account and I feel that if I added another persons transactions, it would cause unnecessary stress. I realize some people do not work in the relationship or they pay bills out of a shared account, but this is what works for us at the moment.
We have one credit card together that is used for big purchases, vacations, remodeling and we both pay our half so it’s fair. Some couples do not split but I feel that making things ‘even’ when possible is appropriate to not cause animosity that one person ‘always pays’.
3. Sleeping schedules are a shit show. I work nights and my husband works during the day from home. While he is quiet most days, there are times when he is not. There is also a hard transition from me getting up. Slowly dragging my body through the house to get ready for work. And he comes in and wants to talk about his day and I want nothing to do with it. Even though it’s 5pm, it’s my morning and I want to drink my coffee in peace and pet my cats.
4. Cleaning apparently is a word my husband has never heard before. But I know his ass had to do some cleaning at one point before this marriage. While I have come to the realization that his ‘clean’ is different than my ‘spotless deep clean’. I still have a hard time with how nonchalant he is about keeping things dirty. Even simple things like wiping a counter down after HE made food. Or the nasty ring around the toilet. I used to leave things to see how long it could go before he would clean it but I clearly was the one losing because no matter how disgusting, it apparently is never disgusting enough for him to do something about it.
5. Roommates. I did know he had an employee and his girlfriend living with him, they were supposed to be moved out when I moved in. If you have never lived with an adult women under the same house, it’s hell. Two women with two different views on how a house should be run, decorated, cleaned. Even laundry was a fiasco. It came down to them refusing to pay rent that finally had them out. It was a messed up situation but in any event, you can’t have a successful first year of marriage when you are living with other people.
6. Forgetting the little things. When we didn’t live in the same house, seeing each other was always exciting. There was usually something planned, we would go out, do something. Now, I feel like that spark to ‘date’ has faded and it requires more effort to plan those events. I know they always say to ‘date’ your spouse and I’m here to tell you it’s fricken hard sometimes. But getting dressed and out the door with your spouse is important to continue that relationship and build new memories. If you don’t make the effort, before you know it, you’re 76 years old and all the memories you have are sitting on the couch wasting your life away watching tv. Maybe that’s your thing, but I’m not one to waste time in front of the tv everyday.
7. Living together. I did not live with my husband before the marriage. Crazy right? He had his career and I had mine. And I was not ready to leave the hospital I was at. We were married in May and I didn’t move in until September. Looking back on this now, I do not recommend. I feel like there is so many expectations when you move in with someone and you do not need it tacked on to being just married, with roommates, new pet (my cat) and now a new cohabitation situation. It brought a lot of undue stress on our relationship that looking back is usually 20/20.
So there’s my list! I would love to read in the comments things you struggled with when first married! So get out there, date your spouse, don’t get a roommate, write down your finances, and come up with a chore schedule! And good luck on the crazy train of marriage!
Wedding day fun!