I know I’m going to get shit for this post but let’s be real with ourselves for a few minutes on all the dumb things people post on social media. Anyone remember 20 years ago when we didn’t have internet and we had to call someone to talk about our feelings, major life changes, new promotions, and baby announcements? A lot of people cannot.
I won’t get started on how I think social media is the worst thing for self-confidence issues in young adults since blue eye shadow was a craze. Now we have people posting the most asinine things, I like to stay off as much as possible. Social media should be a place for funny memes, videos and pictures. I go there to decompress, not to be involved in Rhonda’s latest drama about how her trailer flooded and her boyfriend got another girl pregnant.
Ok, let’s begin.
1. A push-up challenge. Oh lordy, do I hate these. I love how people are like, “Look at me, I’m doing ‘x’ number of push ups for this awareness.” Yet, do nothing after that to help their cause. Listen when I tell you, NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR POST FOR 22 DAYS ON WHATEVER YOU ARE TRYING TO RAISE AWARENESS ON. We don’t. It’s the same shit, different day, for how ever many days your are apparently spreading awareness. No one cares. I unfollow these people. I just don’t have time in my life to watch your pointless videos.
2. Random pictures or videos of your kid doing dumb shit. Now, if your kid falls down a mountain with 10 lions chasing after him only to stand up and start riding one, I’m all about it. But posting your kid eating or in the bathtub is completely unnecessary and a waste of the entire worlds time. Including your own, for taking the time to post it. We want to see funny shit.
3. Shout outs to your pets. Why? Can your pets read? Do they have a social media to see your post? No. So why are you ‘shouting out’ to your dog on their birthday. Take that shit outta here. Better yet, get to the dog park and buy them a puppucino.
4. Live videos of a concert you are at. No one wants to watch a concert they could have paid to be at themselves. Not to mention, we can barely hear the song and your drunk shaky hands are doing nothing for the picture quality.
5. Shout outs to your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend on their birthday or anniversary. Why do you think divorce is at an all time high with an increase due to social media? It’s because we sit on our phones instead of sitting with our partners. Why don’t you take your sappy love post and say it to their face? Leave it off the internet. No one cares if you ‘married your best friend and couldn’t imagine your life without them.’ You were doing just fine before you met this person, you will manage without them.
6. Shout outs to dead people. Do they also have a social media page they can read it on? Again, no. Why don’t you take your depressing memoir and talk to your loved one on your own time and stop ruining everyone else’s day by your post? We come here to smile, not feel bad that our granny is still alive and yours isn’t.
7. Pictures of newborns. Like, right out of the vagina. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR KID WITH BLOOD AND VAGINAL JUICES. No one. This is disgusting. We also do not want to see you half naked holding your wrinkly sack of potatoes on your chest. It’s awkward. I understand wanting to tell the world you just ejected a kid from your body but post a decent picture for Christ sake.
8. Your drama. No one wants to know about your drama with your significant other. I don’t care if George cheated on you with your sister. You’re an adult and this is real life, handle it offline.
9. Cryptic messages. Nothing irritates me more than a message like, “I’m done.” I either want to unfollow that person or lay into them about how no one cares about your post and instead of wanting people to reach out and show you attention, maybe delete your message and find a friend to deal with your problem. We all have issues, that’s life. You’re not special.
10. Naked pictures of your kids. Not sure why you thought posting a minor, naked on social media for the world to see was a good idea. But keep your kids genitals to yourself. More likely than not, a friend on your page is a secret pedo and just saved your kids picture to their phone and uses it for things you have nightmares about. Great parenting.
11. Don’t let me forget workouts. “Hey look at how far I ran at such a slow pace that technically would be defined as walking or being pushed in a stroller.” Or the girls who are in full make up and matching outfits who don’t have an ounce of sweat on them. If you are trying to pick up a dude, go to the bar and save yourself the membership fees because you are wasting your money.
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Picture says “social media”